18 September, 2019 - anti-meridian revelations
I don’t like it…having to creep about silently in my own living place. Even if it is 1:35am. I know that’s selfish, but…the combination of my illness and my spates of rare independence have made me this way; craving. I would never live with anyone in real life, because the illness literally makes that impossible, so I chose to live alone…and I was okay with it. These days, the rare moments by myself, without being guarded, let’s say, are like heaven. Something as simple as doing my laundry without someone hanging over my shoulder is actually a joy.
But I am selfish. I know that. I mean, I think I am, anyway. Is it selfish to want to live alone? Is it selfish to want to do things by myself?
Yes, it’s definitely selfish, but…I still want it.
They say I’ll be ‘lonely’, but it’s not loneliness — it’s low batteries from lack of human interaction. That’s how ambiverts work…sometimes we need bursts of people, other times bursts of solitude. I don’t have a problem with loneliness. My friends fulfill me. I have a problem with this constant social isolation. Which the social anxiety feeds on like a vampire. “No, don’t go out, don’t go out! They’re all judging you. All those people are awful. Stay here, stay safe.” But that’s not true, and here isn’t safe, it’s just isolation! Anxiety and depression are machines that function solely on lies!
And there is a massive difference between being isolated and choosing to live alone. My choice to live alone is not self-isolation.
Who even knows? Maybe one day I’ll be well enough to live with someone. It’s not off the cards.
Every time I try to do something…something adult or human or…let’s call a spade a spade, normal — I’m met with apathy at best or weird gaslighting at worst. Or maybe those two things are both equal. I am sick, so I do need encouragement. I don’t need people to do anything for me! Just support me while I do it myself, that’s all I’ve been asking for years, now!
I am locked in a sick relationship where I have been taught to have only one person as my support network, and at the same time to be that one person’s sole support network.
(I’m still so angry about what I was put through in 2012. That was so brutally unfair it almost edges close to emotional abuse.)
It’s selfish, but I cannot be your entire support. I can’t even be in anyone’s extended support network, because I’ve been crippled by this and shackled to it.
Well, I’m kicking out the crutch. Let me fall and get mangled. It’s better than staying still and letting time crumble me. I alone am responsible for my life, not anyone else’s. You do not get to keep me as a half-being simply because it’s convenient for you. Because, really, that’s what this comes down to, in a lot of ways. Convenience. I’m here — why create an actual support network when I’m right here? And it has adverse effects on me, too: why do anything for myself if you’re doing it all for me? Why learn? Why bother? It’s easier just to give in to laziness, which gets bigger every time I do. Wrapped in cotton wool.
I am not staying here. I don’t want to hurt anyone and it’s going to hurt me to do this. But I am not setting myself on fire to keep anyone else warm anymore. I’ll do it to light up my own path, and that’s it. Burning out and turning to dust on the road at least means I was moving along it at some point.
Maybe I’m ungrateful.
I know I’m selfish.
I’m prickly and shy and standoffish and terrified, I know that, too.
But I was convinced that I’m useless, too sick, that everything I see is skewed because of the sickness.
I don’t actually think I am, anymore. I trust my own judgement, now. Or at least, I’m getting into the habit of doing so.
Of believing myself. Believing that my perspective is just as valid as anyone else’s.
Because it fucking is.
I’m just inexperienced. There’s only one cure for that. Let me at that remedy.
This entry is so disjointed and vague, it should be in Zuihitsu.